Kicked in the Gut

After 20 days in the hospital, we are finally home. We weren't supposed to be out of there until Monday. The only reason they were keeping us was because it was the weekend and it seems hard to get anything done in a hospital on a weekend. So a few of the residents kicked it into gear, got us our prescriptions and discharge instructions and sent us on our way.

I'm happy to be home, but it's hard to bury that "kicked in the gut" feeling. When we left Boston, I was terrified. Eventually we were able to relax and were feeling very comfortable in our lives as a family and in Jake's health.

Did we relax too much? Jake didn't seem to show any signs that he wasn't doing well. But now that I think about it, did he? Did our want and need for him to be OK overshadow the warning signs? "That's just the way he breathes sometimes," we told ourselves and anyone who asked whenever he breathed rapidly. And we were lucky if we could get him to take more than 15 ounces of milk a day for the past several weeks. He awoken with that cry/scream a couple of different nights before the arrest. Was that a sign we shouldn't have ignored?

It's hard not to question yourself, your instincts, and your gut. What if we had made another excuse after his episode at home that Sunday. It's painful to think about the "what ifs". But, in the back of mind is the big "what if". What if this happens again while we're home. Sometimes it's just too much to take, which is why we slip into denial. I have security in the fact that Jake is very different from when he went into the hospital. He now has an ASD and is on a completely different set of medications. And, he's been doing great. But I don't know if that fear will ever go away.

I study him constantly now, and will not hesitate to act at the smallest notion that something is not right. Hopefully that kicked in the gut feeling will slowly subside, and hopefully I'll be able to relax again soon. And even when this is all behind us and we do not need to constantly worry about Jake's health, I will never ever forget how close we came to losing him.