About Me

I'm loud, rude, crude and obnoxious. I like to swill cheap beer outta cans and piss outside. I drink like a fish and have a mouth like a sailor. I've been told I'm a little rough around the edges... as if that's a bad thing.

That's the current "About Me" on my MySpace profile. Of course, it was written years ago, when I was a ruthless wild child. That was long before the responsible parent that I am today showed her face. Its funny how quickly life changes. What once was so important hardly matters at all now.

If I were to rewrite that "About Me" today, it might read something like this:

My family means the world to me. My son is my hero and the strongest person I know. I'm lucky enough to be married to a kind and brilliant man who loves old cars. I enjoy all sports, both playing and watching, but now I only have time for the watching. I know more about congenital heart defects than most medical professionals and have spent a lot of time in hospitals lately. My interests include updating my "mommy blog" and taking pictures of my family. In the near future I hope to buy a house with a yard and garage in the suburbs and spend as much time with my family as possible.

I never thought in a million years a paragraph like this would describe me, but now that it does, I can't imagine it not. Life before my family was a blast, but life with them is more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

Tales from Toyland: Texture Bear

Toys today are so educational. They squeak, crinkle and honk. They have multiple fabrics and colors. They're soft but hard in some places, smooth and silky and squishy or rough in others. They have teething rings, mirrors, ribbons and bells attached. I mean seriously, it's stimuli up the wazoo! We didn't have toys like this when I was young. I had the Fisher Price Happy Apple and loved it.

Happy Apple = Happy Baby

This is Texture Bear.

Texture Bear offers tactile, auditory, and oral stimulation.

Texture Bear and Jake are friends.

Texture Bear plays Peek-A-Boo with Jake

He's quick to lend a helping hand...
Or an ear to listen.

Texture Bear makes Jake happy...

Really, REALLY happy.

At the end of the day, it's Texture Bear and Jake all the way.

Baby Book Guilt

When I was little I used to love to pull my baby book off of the shelf and ask my mom to read it to me. There were a few entries in it and a lot of blank pages. My older sister's baby book was filled to the brim with first smiles, laughs, teeth, birthday parites and more. I guess that's the curse of the second child. The novelty just wears off.

I bought the most precious baby book for Jake and swore I would write in it everyday.
I'd record every first - sneeze, yawn, cry, smile, laugh, and more. I would diligently detail all of our hopes and dreams and fears for him.
Well, that didn't happen!

The first month I scribbled furiously. Every cough, sneeze, yawn and more were noted and dated. Quantity was emphasized over quality. I aimed to fill every white space with tiny inked print. The second month there are a few entries. I managed to stay pretty on top of things. The third month has jsut two entries, scribbled from memory a couple of days or weeks after the fact. The fourth month there is nothing.

But who needs a baby book when you have a "Mommy Blog"?!

This blog has been an awesome way for me to record Jake's milestones, write my thoughts, and document it all with photos and videos - all with the power of editing! No baby book can do that. So I'm hanging up my baby book guilt and moving ahead with the times. From here on out, it's all about the blog.

Hair Loss

I'm loosing my hair. It's coming out in handfuls. Fortunately, I have enough hair to fill any spandex metal band from the 80s with envy so I'm not worried about going bald. Still I'm a little concerned. They say this happens after pregnancy, but I can pin it almost to the day I decided to dye my hair black with copper streaks. I was trying to look more rock-n-roll and less 35 year old mom and now i'm paying with hairloss!

Jake is also loosing his hair. Three weeks of laying on his back in the hospital have worn him a bald spot to rival an old man's. It will grow back as soon as he starts sitting up.

Jake had so much hair when he was born. It stuck straight up.

I used to like to slick it up into a fauxhawk. I would tell everyone, "oh it just does that on its own.", but truthfully, I would make it stick up on purpose.

Sometimes it looked like he was showing early signs of male pattern baldness.

But soon enough he started growing in new permanant hair.

Soon it became too long to wear in a fauxhawk... Or the devil lock.

Most of his newborn hair has been replaced by his new permanant hair It's not as wild as it was but it's still adorable. He can't always be the hipster baby with a fauxhawk in a black onesie. Sometimes it's nice to brush his hair and have him look like a normal little boy.

Looking for Laughs

Jake has started laughing! It's a quiet giggle for now, but it's there. Boy, I can't wait for the belly laughs and squeals that are just around the corner. Whenever we hear his giggle, we go out of our way to get more chuckles out of him. We usually end up acting like two deranged idiots, laughing at top volume in his face and tickling him. Sometimes we go too far as evidenced in the video below.



So far the things that make Jake giggle:
-Nuzzling his cheeks and neck
-Playing Super Jake and Lone Ranger (see "The Games We Play" post)
-Cooing at him
-Giving him Eskimo kisses

He even thinks Mommy's singing is quite funny.



I hope he has a life filled with laughter. He's certainly on the right track, waking up each day with a smile. I can't wait to find out what else makes him laugh.

Photo Blog

I created a photo blog of Jake's hospital stay on flickr. It helped me to see his improvement with each day and to write about what was happening.

Check it out here.

Multiple Choice

What is Jake doing in the videos below?

a. Busting out the latest hip hop dance moves
b. Baby yoga
c. Trying to poop
d. Trying to roll over

Kicked in the Gut

After 20 days in the hospital, we are finally home. We weren't supposed to be out of there until Monday. The only reason they were keeping us was because it was the weekend and it seems hard to get anything done in a hospital on a weekend. So a few of the residents kicked it into gear, got us our prescriptions and discharge instructions and sent us on our way.

I'm happy to be home, but it's hard to bury that "kicked in the gut" feeling. When we left Boston, I was terrified. Eventually we were able to relax and were feeling very comfortable in our lives as a family and in Jake's health.

Did we relax too much? Jake didn't seem to show any signs that he wasn't doing well. But now that I think about it, did he? Did our want and need for him to be OK overshadow the warning signs? "That's just the way he breathes sometimes," we told ourselves and anyone who asked whenever he breathed rapidly. And we were lucky if we could get him to take more than 15 ounces of milk a day for the past several weeks. He awoken with that cry/scream a couple of different nights before the arrest. Was that a sign we shouldn't have ignored?

It's hard not to question yourself, your instincts, and your gut. What if we had made another excuse after his episode at home that Sunday. It's painful to think about the "what ifs". But, in the back of mind is the big "what if". What if this happens again while we're home. Sometimes it's just too much to take, which is why we slip into denial. I have security in the fact that Jake is very different from when he went into the hospital. He now has an ASD and is on a completely different set of medications. And, he's been doing great. But I don't know if that fear will ever go away.

I study him constantly now, and will not hesitate to act at the smallest notion that something is not right. Hopefully that kicked in the gut feeling will slowly subside, and hopefully I'll be able to relax again soon. And even when this is all behind us and we do not need to constantly worry about Jake's health, I will never ever forget how close we came to losing him.

Another Gorgeous Sunset

Another night in the ICU, another gorgeous sunset . These pictures were taking on day 13 of our hospital stay. Having a view like this certainly helps with the incredible stress we're going through. Whoever designed these ICU rooms really must have given consideration to the parents' peace of mind.

We moved out of the ICU to "the floor" two days after this gorgeous sunset. The view wasn't nearly as good. In fact, we didn't even have a window! We were in a shared room on the door side. Our roommates have moved on and we've finally moved over to the window, which helps. But when it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter what the view is down here because we're that much closer to going home.

When Heathens Pray

If it's one thing Greg and I are not it is religious. However, in desperate times you do desperate things. We don't believe in god but if there is a greater power that controls the universe out there, we have this plea:

Please help our son, Jake Maxwell Casden, make a quick and full recovery so that he can lead a long and prosperous life filled with love, joy, and happiness.

He has suffered through more pain in 4 months than many people endure over their entire lives. He is the strongest person we know and deserves to lead the fullest life he can from this day on. We hope he lives well on into the next century.

We cherish every waking moment with him and will continue to do so for as long as we are here on earth. We promise to never take him for granted and love him unconditionally, forever.

He is the most beautiful boy imaginable. Our love for him knows no boundries. His sweet disposition makes the world a better place and will continue to do so over the course of his hopefully long life.

PLEASE HELP JAKE RECOVER AND LEAD A LONG, FULL LIFE FILLED WITH LOVE, JOY, AND HAPPINESS.

Helpless and Hopeful

A couple of days ago, I held Jake's hands and rubbed his head while someone from IV tried and failed three times to place a peripheral IV line. This isn't a quick poke or pinch from a needle. They tie off each limb with a rubber band looking for their best vein, find a promising one, then poke, move the needle around, poke some more until they either get it or need to try again. All the while, Jake screams, cries, and writhes in pain and I am helpless to do anything for him.

I've been feeling helpless a lot lately. This morning, Jake went for another catheterization. There's nothing to describe the feeling of turning your child over to doctors and saying, "Please take care of him." You watch him go through those doors and your heart screams, "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BE OK." Then you wait, and wait, and wait for what seems like forever just to hear he made it through and he's doing well.

There is nothing that will be harder than this.

This morning Greg came into the room and woke Jake up. Jake opened his eyes and smiled wide at him as if to say, "Don't worry, I'm going to be just fine." So with helplessness comes hopefullness and optimism. Our boy is the strongest person we know. He's a fighter and our hero and we love him more than anything. The wait is excruciating but we know he'll be back, and will open his eyes and give us that gorgeous grin again soon.

Be strong bug. Mommy and Daddy love you.

Holla!

There's just something about these pictures that makes me think if there were a speech bubble attached it would say, "Holla!"

Smile!

When Jake first started to smile, we exhausted ourselves trying to catch one on camera. We'd sit there for extended periods of time tickling and rubbing his belly, talking in that sing-song parent voice trying to get him to smile. We were so excited when we finally caught him in the act!

Jake smiled consiously this morning for the first time since his arrest! I have been trying to get him to smile for days, nuzzling his cheeks and singing my "Mommy loves Jake" song to him. Leave it to the doctor shining a flashlight in his eyes to do the trick! I walked away from his bedside for one moment, just as he cracked a smile. He gave me a smile the morning after his arrest, while he was still totally out of it. It was as if to say, "Don't worry mommy, I'm going to be ok." When he did that and opened his eyes, I knew he was in there and that he would be smiling again very soon.

Sleepyhead

Jake slept all day today. It may have been due to medications, or perhaps to sheer exhaustion. After all, he has gone through quite a lot in the last week and a half.

There's such an innocence about him when he's sleeping. I wish I could gather him up and put him inside of me and protect him from this cruel world. He's known more pain in his short four months than most will experience in a lifetime. But when he's sleeping, its as if he doesn't have a care in the world. I could watch him sleep forever, but then I'd miss his smile, his bright eyes, and how happy and full of life he truly is.

Sweet dreams, my little bug. Mommy loves you.

The View from the ICU

The view from our ICU room is awesome! The window is comforting, and the changing weather serves as a sort of metaphor for what we're going through inside. From bright sunny days, hazy fog, approaching storms, terrential downpours, and beautiful sunsets, there are extreme highs and lows. But no matter what the the weather is, once it clears, you still have that beautiful city outside of this window, and this beautiful little boy on its other side, in here fighting and doing so well.